A hundred thousand trillion dollars

Would help so many in need...Do you ever wish you had enough funds to help others with their needs? Seeing posts about fellow classmates,and their offspring, going through the most unimaginable health conditions, and struggling to make ends meet, saddens me. I will do what I can, when I can, but I wish I could do more. I wish there was a cure for cancer, and many of these degenerative diseases, that are eating away at our loved ones. I wish I could afford to help said classmates with their medical bills, and other unexpected expenses...eliminate their worries, and stresses, so they could focus on the important things, like getting healthy again.
I'll keep plugging away, and giving where I can. For this next year, I'm hoping to carry myself as I did this year, with purpose, with help in mind, with a positive outlook, no matter how negative the situation may be. I did for others, sometimes anonymously, and saw karma return good deeds, more than ten fold. I will continue to be positive, hopeful, and thankful for what I have, and those around me. If you're able to give, do so unselfishly. If you're unable to help with a monetary donation, give of your time, or a special skill. It will not go unappreciated. It will be noticed, and it will be passed on. Be good to people, smile always, and check your attitude at the door. You never know what others are going through, so think twice before verbally tearing into someone, or giving them a stern piece of your mind.
In general, just always try to be a good person. Try to carry yourself in a way that you would want others to fondly remember you by. Wishing you all love, health, and happiness this holiday season! :)

Congested, but empty...

is my mind, as of late. This is partly because of a nasty cold I caught on Saturday. It put me out of work from Sunday through Tuesday. Empty, in that I've been bed-ridden, without much time to wrap my head around anything else, but tissues, Vick's Natural cough syrup, and homemade clamansi tea concoctions. It's now early Thursday morning, yet the coughing and congesting still remain. I'm still up, clicking away on the laptop, watching Disc 3 of Spartacus, and checking emails. I really should go to bed, but the show continues to captivate my attention. Okay, I'm going to jump off of here, and attempt to get some rest.

Blood Spatter and fine Roman diction...

At the suggestion of a friend, I started watching Spartacus Blood and Sand. It is bloody, violent, contains many gratuitous sex scenes, and the plot thickens at every turn. It's hard to keep story lines separate as one character, Batiatus (second from the left), is always conspiring to keep himself abreast in high society. As he grasps at the coattails of much wealthier, more conniving individuals, he plays roulette with the lives of imprisoned men; grooming slaves into gladiators, and betting their lives in the coliseum.
I'm getting way off track here. The point is, I LOVE IT. I don't know why, and I'm not usually one to watch anything with too much gore...But, this show has captivated my attention. I just finished disc two tonight. Although, I admit, at some "too bloody" scenes, I will view in my peripheral, as I watch past the left side of my laptop, or tablet screen.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog it, but I did. Maybe, it's my ode to writing more. Whatever the case, if you have a strong stomach, I suggest Netflix'ing it, and giving it a go. The view of the gladiators alone, is well worth it. :)

Stranger Than Fiction

It's a movie I enjoy watching, but also find myself relating to... Not the, "Little did he know..." aspect of it, but the whole narration piece. Sometimes, as I'm driving, or doing an activity, I find myself thinking in narration. (Nerdy, I know.) Or as soon as I've completed something, I think in terms of how I'd describe it in written form. The voice is not that of Emma Thompson, or any other British actor/actress. But, it is in third person. I wonder if it's a sign that I should look into writing again; or, maybe editing... It's something that has been on my mind for the past few months. I'll admit that I sort of had a muse who re-inspired me... And now, that's history as well. But, something positive did come out of that whole situation. My love of words, and focus on interpersonal relationships, has me itching to write something, anything, everything. Also, watching The Help, pushed me further in that direction. That being said, I think I'm going to run with this, in a more anonymous forum, though. I think I'm going to start an anonymous blog... One that analyzes the idiosyncrasies, and dynamics of our day to day relationships. The comedy, tragedy, and messages in real-life situations. In these past few months alone, I've experienced some of the most, "WOW!" "WTF!?!?!" and "GTFOOH!" moments than in years prior. From my car accident, to interesting house guests, to unbelievable generosity, to douche cakes posing as nice guys. It's life, and it happens to everyone. It's just funnier when you look at it from a light-hearted point of view, and appreciate the lessons behind the experiences. Still debating over which blog site I'll use, and how "anonymous" I'll remain. Obviously, the content will deal with people that I encounter in my every day life. Also, a few other quandaries to figure out, before moving forward. But, I'm thinking that's what's next. I need to keep writing, keep reading, keep putting the pen to paper, and my fingers to the keyboard.

Some people's kids...

I think the worst type of guy is one who masterfully disguises himself as a "nice guy." That is the pinnacle of douchebaggery...

"Mama, hold my hand"

Aloe Blacc-Mama Hold My Hand

I'm dedicating this to all of the mothers out there. Thank you to the mothers who raise upstanding citizens, and driven individuals. Thank you to the women who give their love to their children, unconditionally. Thank you for instilling within us, good morals and values. Thank you for the emotional, mental, (and sometimes financial) support. Thank you for being a soundboard when we needed to vent about something or someone. Thank you for knowing there were underlying factors when we would lash out at you, when angered by something else. Thank you for reading to us every night, as you have strengthened our love for reading and education. Thank you for always believing in us, and letting us know that we are truly capable of doing ANYTHING, if we put our minds to it; and build our skills within our chosen paths. Thank you for celebrating our small achievements, but blowing them up as if we'd won a Nobel Peace Prize. Thank you for recognizing our great accomplishments, and nursing/comforting us through great losses and utter defeat.
Your love and confidence within us, helps us walk taller, heads higher, backs straighter, hearts bigger. To all of you beautiful mothers out there, enjoy your special day. May your families celebrate and appreciate you every day of the year, and not just on one Sunday in May.

One Year down...and hoping it gets easier as time goes on.

The letters and words escape my fingertips and clickety clack out across my keyboard. Thoughts are muddled with emotion, though I fight with myself on whether to post or not. I have so much to vent about, but legally (work), I shouldn't. Where do I find my outlet, when writing helps me release the tension, stress, and jumbled thoughts? Written journal? Isn't that what a blog is? Except, instead of being hidden between the mattress and boxspring, sealed with a laughable plastic lock, it's on the internet for the world to see your vulnerability. Well, let's see how much I can release without divulging details on work...

Lately, I've been stressed to the max...Not from work, in general. May 1st was the one year anniversary of my Grandmother's death. It hurts to the core, still...I find it hard to talk about her with anyone, as I start to get choked up and tears will well up in my eyes. I didn't really say anything to anyone, until after the fact. I did talk to my Grandpa on the day of, but I found myself NOT wanting to deal with it...As I have been doing for the past year. Even though I was exhausted and fresh off of a 12 hour overnighter, I refused to stay home alone, with my thoughts...I came home, showered, and headed out to a full day of activities with Jen and her family. It kept my mind off of the anniversary, and the extreme sadness that I had pushed deep down inside of me.
I wasn't able to process any of this until Monday May 2nd. I had an 8 hour shift, where I was pretty much left alone in the office all day. I mean, I interacted with people and did touch bases here and there. But, I was able to think about, remember, and really understand what I was feeling, or rather the feeling that I was trying to avoid. I was able to speak to a colleague who also suffered a huge loss (father) within recent years. It was the first time I let anyone know that it was Grandma's one year. We spoke for only a few minutes, but the take away from the conversation was huge; I felt so much better afterwards.
People noticed a change in me in the past few days, and my managers were asking me if I was okay. I didn't realize that I was wearing the strain and stress on my face. Several of them asked if I was stressing out because of one individual. That may have been in part, but Grandma was at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else was added stress to that.
I still want to pick up the phone and call her, mocking her Filipino accent, and use her common sayings on her. I want to fly home to California and surprise her when I bust through her front door and find her on the couch, with a shocked look on her face. I want to take her to our weekly dinner at The Pizza Factory, while we reminisce over how many years we've been frequenting that establishment. I want to lean up against her, as we lay on the couch watching Rush Hour, or Walker Texas Ranger; or some other random martial arts film that showed more action than dialogue. I want to have fried chicken dinners at her house, so I can turn away, then turn back to find that she's stolen my drumstick bone, so she can eat the ends...but, as a fair trade, she's left a new drumstick for me to eat. I want to play in the backyard, under the shade of the tree in the middle of the yard. I want to look up at the hall window, and see her peeking through the curtains. I want to hear her yelling at us to stay in the shade, so we don't get dark, and turn black...(Side note- It didn't matter to Grandma that by genetics, it was guaranteed that we'd be darker...Dad is black, lol) All she cared about was us staying in the shade. No joke, we probably played outside around dusk, than we did in the middle of the day.
I can't do any of these things...I can sit and think about these things, as I am now. Those little things make me smile, and I can even muster a giggle. But, it's with tears streaming down my face that I smile, and try to control my breathing. I will never stop missing her, or wishing that she was around to see me get married, to meet her great grandchildren. I'm finally starting to see the reality of the situation. She isn't here, but it's up to me, and my family, to make sure that her legacy lives on through us, our stories, our shared memories, our photos. I will share her love and quirky habits, superstitions, and sayings, with her great grandkids. They will know about Cecilia, the woman who helped mold the crazy individual that is me.
Hmph, not so bad. Got it out without getting crazy nuts about other things. Okay pau for now...

Even after a long day...

At work, or just a long day in general, I never forget to appreciate that I live here...And, I see this type of beauty on the regular.



Pounders aka Laie Beach Park.

Onward and upward...

Today, it went public that there will be some management changes in our market. It was an exciting day for the Honu store, as it was announced that my Associate manager, Hiiaka, is being promoted to Store Manager for our Kings' Shops Store.



So stoked for her, as she's been with the company for a little over six years. She's been building her skillset, preparing herself, patiently waiting for the opportunity. It's here! I'm so excited for her as she begins this new adventure in her life. Just a few little jingles that promote determination, perseverance, and optimism. Good luck Hi'iaka! We're all rooting for you. Take care of my B-I-G-Island Ladies, and I'll see you at the next management meeting...and SMC!!!

Ohana...Only in Hawaii

I hate to say it, without coming off like an asshole...But, if I ever got sick in a way that required extra funding, I would hope that it would be in Hawaii. When lil Olivia Bianco got sick, Ashley Byars DelMastro rounded up the troops from work, and put together a fundraiser to help offset the costs of travel, lodging, food, etc for her family. (See a few posts back)...Long story short, the TIMBA fundraiser brought in over $7,000 for the Bianco family. When I posted on Facebook, only the HI peeps, or those with HI ties, came through to ask how they could help. Whether it was a $20 check, or homemade get-well cards from elementary students, there was an overwhelming amount of inquiries from the HI peeps...And not a peep from the mainland; aside from my family. Kind of saddened by this, in that I've donated to other friends' causes or fundraisers. I'm not going to do a tit for tat, and just stop donating to others. But, it's just disappointing that I was so hopeful that people would come through with something...anything. And then, NOTHING.
I know we're busy living our own lives, and I know gas is expensive, money is tight...It doesn't take money, it could be old clothes, children's books, letters, a card, anything.
On the bright side, Hawaii showed that Ohana does mean family, whether blood, hanai or, in our case, work. We all stick together and nobody gets left behind...To stay with the positivity, Leilani (co-worker from the Big Island) was just in Cali, and got to visit with Olivia and family. She is in good spirits, and is definitely a strong-willed little girl. Now, as she endures chemotherapy, our prayers are with her and the Bianco family. We're all hopeful that Olivia will return to Maui, cancer-free, and as healthy and happy as before.
Truly, I am lucky I live Hawaii...

"I'm going to pinch your kiki!"

This is something that I heard on the regular from my Grandma Cecilia. That or, "I'll kurut your pekpek!" [sic] It's been almost one year, and I guess I still haven't come to terms with the fact that she's really gone. I still get choked up when I talk about her. My grandpa sent me back to HI with some of her belongings for my own mementos. Small things, like the lacquer Asian trays that she used to display, her Crystal dishes that were never used, still in boxes. Even a few pieces of her clothing, and their unused bedding. I can still smell her, when I hold the blouse close to me. I can smell the scent of their house, when I open my hall closet, and get too close to their bedding, that's stored at the bottom. You know how smells, sounds, objects, trigger your memory and take you back? It happens almost on the daily, for me...
I had a co-worker/friend who lost his grandfather, only a week ago. It was very sudden, unexpected, and shocking. (I guess, even if you're prepared for someone's death, it still evokes shock and disbelief.) Anyway, I found myself avoiding him, and trying not to call him, to see how he and his family were doing. We worked together about a week later, and I confessed to him why. When I asked if he was okay, he said that he was, but I know what that shit feels like inside. I admitted to him that I wasn't completely over my grandmother's death, and I didn't want to reach out to him, and lose it on the phone. He said that it was okay, and he understood. I was getting choked up with just that conversation. When he called in to say that his grandfather had passed, I was having a hard time keeping it together.
Everything seems to be a trigger for her. I remember, only a few weeks ago, being at my brother's house in Cali. He and his wife had a display of knick knacks and vases that had belonged to Grandma. Both Johnny and his wife, Nina, were quick to tell me that I could pick and choose whatever I wanted, to take home with me. I was having a hard time even looking at the items. I was choking back tears as I handled one of the vases that used to sit prominently on one of her display shelves. She had THOUSANDS of various accoutrement from her and Grandpa's travels across the US, and his military obligations abroad.
I don't wish this pain, hurt, and heartbreak on even my worst enemy. Losing a grandparent, because of our relationship, is like losing a limb, to me. Dramatic, yes. But, I keep looking at pictures like she's still a phone call away. The reality is, when I call or email, it'll only be Grandpa on the receiving end. During my short Cali trip, due to time constraints, I wasn't able to spend more quality time with my Grandfather; but I think subconsciously, I did it on purpose. If I really wanted to, I could have gone to his house, after he and Great Grandma returned late Wednesday evening from L.A. But, I didn't. Granted, I was sick to my stomach, and nursing a fever; but looking back, I know why. I'm not ready to go back to the house just yet. She'll live on through her pictures, her knick knacks, her curious, and sometimes inappropriate Christmas gifts (girls' panties given to the grandsons).
Maybe on my next trip, I'll be able to keep it together, and appear a bit stronger on the outside. At this point in time, even though I hurt, I'm happy that she's not suffering, and that her body isn't in pain, and she can rest.
If you don't know me by now, I'm ADD, so in the end of all the jumbled and hodgepodge bucket of thoughts, there is a method to my madness. This post was just supposed to a slideshow post for Grandma, but my heart weighed heavy, and I felt compelled to type out why. It does feel better to really get it out, instead of only confiding in Jennifer, Martha, and Johnny Boy. I miss her, and I love her...Nothing will ever change that.

Help for Olivia Bianco

***I originally posted this on my Facebook page on 3/8/11. I do realize that with the tragedy in Japan, our resources are being stretched to aid other causes. ANYTHING that you can help with, is still greatly appreciated.***

I'm reaching out to all of you for help, support, and prayers. We have a co-worker in our Maui store, who is enduring a family emergency with her youngest daughter. Momoko Bianco is an assistant manager in the Lahaina Coach Store. She is a mother to 3 beautiful children, with her youngest being 5 year old Olivia. Olivia was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, and several more tumors along her spine.
On Tuesday March 8, 2011 (today), she underwent surgery to remove the brain tumor. Her surgery took place at a Kaiser Hospital in Santa Clara, Ca. Post-surgery, she will undergo chemotherapy in California, for 2 months. Before returning home to Maui, she will be in Oahu for one month, for radiation treatment. So, sweet little Olivia, and her family, have a long three months ahead of them. Olivia's brother and sister will be attending school in California for the two months that they're there, for her treatments.
That being said, we are trying to raise funds to help offset the cost of their expenses, while they're away from home. ANY donation that you can spare, is GREATLY appreciated. If you're a teacher, and want your classroom to send Olivia homemade get-well cards, please do! If you're in/near the Santa Clara area, and can drop off baked goods, or a care package, feel free. If you would like to help with a monetary gift, any amount would be appreciated. Whether it's a gift card, inspirational children's books, or anything else you come up with; any kind gesture will not go unnoticed.
Her home store, in Maui, is putting on a fundraiser event on March 31st. Tickets are available for $10 a person. All proceeds from the event will go directly to Momoko, in an effort to help offset the cost of their travel, bills, etc...



If you have any ideas or or want to help in a different manner, please contact the Maui Store Manager:
Ashley DelMastro
abyars80@htomail.com
Or, you can contact me through here or my email.

***For my Nor-Cal friends/family, my dad will be taking a trip down to Santa Clara, to deliver a care package to Momoko's family. If you have anything that you're able to donate to our friend, please reach out to me.***

Thank you all in advance for taking the time to help someone from my work ohana. It means a lot to me, and to our co-workers, that so many people are reaching out and giving from their hearts.