This is something that I heard on the regular from my Grandma Cecilia. That or, "I'll kurut your pekpek!" [sic] It's been almost one year, and I guess I still haven't come to terms with the fact that she's really gone. I still get choked up when I talk about her. My grandpa sent me back to HI with some of her belongings for my own mementos. Small things, like the lacquer Asian trays that she used to display, her Crystal dishes that were never used, still in boxes. Even a few pieces of her clothing, and their unused bedding. I can still smell her, when I hold the blouse close to me. I can smell the scent of their house, when I open my hall closet, and get too close to their bedding, that's stored at the bottom. You know how smells, sounds, objects, trigger your memory and take you back? It happens almost on the daily, for me...
I had a co-worker/friend who lost his grandfather, only a week ago. It was very sudden, unexpected, and shocking. (I guess, even if you're prepared for someone's death, it still evokes shock and disbelief.) Anyway, I found myself avoiding him, and trying not to call him, to see how he and his family were doing. We worked together about a week later, and I confessed to him why. When I asked if he was okay, he said that he was, but I know what that shit feels like inside. I admitted to him that I wasn't completely over my grandmother's death, and I didn't want to reach out to him, and lose it on the phone. He said that it was okay, and he understood. I was getting choked up with just that conversation. When he called in to say that his grandfather had passed, I was having a hard time keeping it together.
Everything seems to be a trigger for her. I remember, only a few weeks ago, being at my brother's house in Cali. He and his wife had a display of knick knacks and vases that had belonged to Grandma. Both Johnny and his wife, Nina, were quick to tell me that I could pick and choose whatever I wanted, to take home with me. I was having a hard time even looking at the items. I was choking back tears as I handled one of the vases that used to sit prominently on one of her display shelves. She had THOUSANDS of various accoutrement from her and Grandpa's travels across the US, and his military obligations abroad.
I don't wish this pain, hurt, and heartbreak on even my worst enemy. Losing a grandparent, because of our relationship, is like losing a limb, to me. Dramatic, yes. But, I keep looking at pictures like she's still a phone call away. The reality is, when I call or email, it'll only be Grandpa on the receiving end. During my short Cali trip, due to time constraints, I wasn't able to spend more quality time with my Grandfather; but I think subconsciously, I did it on purpose. If I really wanted to, I could have gone to his house, after he and Great Grandma returned late Wednesday evening from L.A. But, I didn't. Granted, I was sick to my stomach, and nursing a fever; but looking back, I know why. I'm not ready to go back to the house just yet. She'll live on through her pictures, her knick knacks, her curious, and sometimes inappropriate Christmas gifts (girls' panties given to the grandsons).
Maybe on my next trip, I'll be able to keep it together, and appear a bit stronger on the outside. At this point in time, even though I hurt, I'm happy that she's not suffering, and that her body isn't in pain, and she can rest.
If you don't know me by now, I'm ADD, so in the end of all the jumbled and hodgepodge bucket of thoughts, there is a method to my madness. This post was just supposed to a slideshow post for Grandma, but my heart weighed heavy, and I felt compelled to type out why. It does feel better to really get it out, instead of only confiding in Jennifer, Martha, and Johnny Boy. I miss her, and I love her...Nothing will ever change that.
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